No Bull Mom

Divorce Agreement Between Traditional Americans and Leftists

(My favorite part is in bold.)

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters:

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. Here is a model separation agreement:

The two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a similar portion. Our representatives can divide other assets since both sides have such distinct tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our way of life is under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

p.s. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

p.s.s. Oh, and you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.